Kategoriarkiv: wrestling

Kamala: the Ugandan Spam Giant

In more crazy email news, I recently received a letter from Kamala. Kamala is possibly the closest thing wrestling has come to a utterly racist, minstrel angle. He’s this 350 lbs giant from Uganda, who debuted in the 80’s, at a time where Uganda was probably most known for its cannibal-dictator Idi Amin.

Thought up in the USWA by Jerry The King Lawler he’s based on every stereotype the King could find is National Geographic about the natives of Africa. He feuded with Hulk Hogan at houseshows in the late 90’s and returned to the WWF in the 90’s to take on a feud with the Undertaker. Kamala figured the pale mortician would make an excellent potroast, but sadly the Ugandan giant was deadly affraid of coffincases leading to his loss in the battle. It actually culminated at Wembley Stadium for the 92 Summer Slam a then 12-year-old Peter PTA was lucky enough to witness.

I dunno if that’s the reason Kamala sent me this e-mail about penis-enlargement, but I thank him anyway.

Wrestlers reveal their favorite rappers

You may have read certain wrestlers aren’t too fund of rappers. Mr. Perfect said flat out rap was crap before his untimely death and Diamond Dallas Page went ahead and sued Jay-Z for throwing up “the roc” years after DDP had originated the hand sign. So aren’t there any wrestlers that actually like rappers? No…stupid, but to correct that wrong, I took it upon myself to make up some that do. So remember to click the individual entries on the top ten as hilarious pics will unfold. Behold, here’s the top ten:

10: Andre The Giant likes Andre The Giant.

Fairly obvious, why wouldn’t the 7’4, 500 lbs + giant from the French Alpes enjoy some snot-nose from the Bronx ripping off his name. Especially since Andre the Giant from Show and AG is the size of three apples stacked onto eachother. But as he once cheekily remarked: “not a giant in height, on the strength I’m a giant in length.”

9: Stone Cold Steve Austin likes Beatnuts.

Why? Cause they’re stone crazy, that’s why!

8: Hacksaw Jim Duggan likes Busta Rhymes.

That’s right, America’s protector with his trusty 2×4 is a fan of Busta Rhymes. At least I imagine he would be after Busta rapped: “Busta Rhymes is like Hacksaw Jim Duggan” on Pharoahe Monch’s Simon Says Remix. No explanation why he thought himself to be like the cockeyed one-move wrestler always sporting the red-white-and-blue, but after such a compliment, how could Jim Duggan not like Busta, tough guy? Hooooooooooo!

7: Kurt Angle likes Dilated Peoples.

Cause they work the Angles – sharp and precise! And that’s how the decorated olympian gets down to business as well, oh it’s true!

6: Barbarian likes Bo$$ Hogg Barbarians.

A fairly new alliance of rappers and wrestler, but a good one none the less. While the wrestling barbarian was more of the old school fur-covered, face paint sporting kind the Bo$$ Hogg Barbarians seem more into foul language and cars. But hey, at least J-Zone sported a fur a million times cheaper than Barbarians attire when he played at Loppen.

5: Kane likes Big Daddy Kane.

It’s a Big Daddy / Big Red Machine Thing. Undertaker’s long-lost (and/or burnt and killed) brother certainly knows if there are two things that aren’t easy it’s pimping and remembering to always keep your mask on. Oh well, seems he forgot the last part and became a midcarder. Wrath of Kane!

4: Legion of Doom like MF Doom.

The Road Warriors Hawk and Animal shouldn’t be able to recist everyone’s favorite underground rapper. Even from beyond the grave you can just hear Hawk screaming: “Dangerdoom? RRRRRWWWHaaat A RUSH!”

3: Tito Santana likes Juelz Santana.

Mexico’s favorite son, the prince of Tijuana, Tito Santana has to mark out for Juelz Santana. Afterall Juelz is a Diplomat and now that Tito’s career as a wrestler seems over he must do something to keep the green card intact. Arriba la Dip Set!

2: Who likes Redman.

Well, Jim Neidhart always was about as mental as the Funk Doctor, and to top it off, today’s Jim Neidhart’s birthday. Congrats Anvil!

1: Undertaker likes Gang Starr.

The next time Taker steps in the arena, he better recite the eulogy words I manifest or it’ll be a Full RIP for the dead man! Why? Cause there are so many spots – but they’re hard to urn.

Letter from Pat Patterson

So a regular day at the office aka the room we’ve put the PC in. I’m checking my mail, nothing special. But then I find I’ve gotten a letter from non other than WWF’s very first Intercontinental Champion Pat Patterson.

Pat Patterson got the IC belt in a tournament held in Rio de Janeiro (actually they didn’t have a tournament, they just told the fans back home that, so they could hand out titles.)

He wrestled some classic matches against the likes of Ted Dibiase and a cage confrontation with Sgt Slaughter. He’s probably most famous though, for being a major force behind the scenes, where he’s worked as Vince Mcmahon’s right hand man. Well, that and the fact that he’s extremely homosexual, hits on the young wrestlers and has a had a year-long relationship with the Brooklyn Brawler. What’d ol Pat want to talk about? Well as you can tell by this copy of the mail, he’s apparently become a spammer of sorts.

Oh well, we can’t all end our careers on a high-note.

Mr. Perfect sez: “Rap Is Crap”!

evig poesi rules













Fat Joe said it best once: “Rap is like the WWF”. This might explain why I love both, and can’t wait ‘til someone famous says: “Rap and wrestling are like The Simpsons”. As the loyal Hip-Hop, The Simpsons & Wrestling muthabloggers out there might have noticed, wrestlers have used rap-gimmicks for years, so it came as somewhat of a shock when Mr. Perfect aka Curt Hennig flatout stated: “Rap is crap!”

The wrestler not only said this back in 1999, but along with a crew called The West Texas Rednecks (Curt himself was from Minnesota) recorded an entire song dedicated to rap being crappy with such memorable lines as:

“I like country music / I love country girls
I like Willie Nelson / and don’t forget about Merle
There’s only one thing that I hate
Cuz it’s a bunch of crap / I, I, I hate rap!”

Now you may think that an avid rapfan such as myself would have been offended by this song, but bare in mind that wrestling’s all about gimmicks and playing the role as best as you can. Add onto that, that at the time Perfect was fueding with a wrestling fraction called The No Limit soldiers led by Master P no less, and it’s pretty obvious which side I’m on. Yihaaaah! To their credit No Limit luckfully didn’t consist of Mystikal and Mia X getting into action, but skillful Mexican wrestlers such as Konnan and Rey Mysterio, but still, feel free to hate any kind of musical express that ends in what sounds like bowel movement. UUUUGGHHH!

For those of you not familiar with Curt Hennig he’s the son of ring-legend Larry The Axe Hennig, a 350 lbs bull-sized wrestler, known for giving Rowdy Roddy Piper his first match (which lasted all of 13 seconds) and roughing up a young version of The Road Warriors when they refused to sell opponents’ offense. After learning the craft in AWA Curt Hennig traveled to the then WWF, became Mr Perfect, a character known for executing moves with perfect precession, being overtly arrogant and generally a very entertaining technical wrestler.

Even rappers recognized this, for instance I still remember a dude getting Source’s Unsigned Hype for the line “Grinning like Curt Hennig, when I’m winning”, and aside Last Emperor he’s the only rapper I’ve wanted to check out to simply because of reading his lines. If anyone remembers who it was, please post it here.

Sadly Curt Hennig passed away in 2003 due to a cocaine overdose, an addiction he alledgedly aquired after his many injuries due to high-risk bumps taken in the ring. According to this tribute to Curt “Rap Is Crap” was played at his funeral.

Right-click, DL and listen to the golden country singer-song-writer hit “Rap Is Crap” here!

Dr. Phil lacks ring-psychology








Cathy has dragged her husband Paul on the Dr. Phil show. She believes wrestling is consuming his life to the point where the obsession is hurting their marriage. Dr. Phil, displaying the tricks of the trade that made him the richest psychologist ever, addresses Paul and asks the million dollar question: “Do you know it’s not real???”

You sure got him there Phil! Paul makes up some foggy answer about parts being fake, which leads the Doctor to reveal the best kept secret of professional wrestling: “It’s just men dancing!” Dr. Phil does give brief credit to the wrestlers for being great stuntmen, but not soon after he taunts Paul again for “watching men dancing”, which in Dr. Phil’s world must equal the ultimate homoerotic act. Needless to say Paul hardly seems cured from his addiction by Dr. Phil’s revelations, but he does get tickets to a wrestling event of his choice, which pleases him, so the show ends on a high-note. However, the segment left me wondering something that in time led to me writing this column; What in the name of Superfly Jimmy Snuka does Dr. Phil think people watch professional wrestling for?

To use Dr. Phil’s dancing analogy, wrestling is men pretending to live out a battle through well-choreographed moves for artistic purposes + both wrestlers and dancers wear tights – case closed! You can’t argue that this isn’t part of professional wrestling, but it’s also a spot-on description of break-dancing. While Booker T does have a mean backspin, there is certainly more to it than that.

Paul tries desperately to give Dr. Phil a sound reason for being addicted to watching grown men playfight: He mutters that he enjoys the plot. Dr. Phil finds the mere thought of watching wrestling for the plot ridiculous. This is semi-ironic seeing as American psychologists such as Jerome Bruner advocate the idea that the human psyche organizes everything in connected stories and plots – we constantly strive to adjust our impressions so that they make sense in reasonable stories.

In wrestling we like to call those stories ring-psychology. When they make sense to us fans, even if they’re surprising, we’re watching good wrestling. When the stories are incoherent, the wrestling is bad – or to use RD Reynolds’ perfectly coined phrase: wrestlecrap.

In “New York – The Rough Guide” the author advices tourists that they should attend a wrestling event and then explains what that includes: the audience seeing the national anthem followed by a ‘real American’ kicking some foreign grabler’s butt. That’s one way of making the story coherent and relevant to the fan – but of course there are tons of others.

Stories vary in size of course. They can be as small as a wrestler constantly putting his opponents right arm under pressure – hitting it and putting it in arm locks until the adversary is worn down and ready to be subjected to a spectacular finishing move. Watching Chris Benoit beat Orlando Jones in 7 seconds isn’t really the same as him winning after a 30-minute display of scientific excellence is it? I’m pretty sure it felt like premature ejaculation to most of the viewing audience.

They can also be far bigger like Macho Man Randy Savage and Ric Flair battling over who was the true love of the late Miss Elizabeth. Even in such showdowns the story is heightened greatly when the match finally does take place – the whole building is cheering for The Macho Man and suddenly he gets a nasty leg injury instantly putting him in the role of underdog. Savage is fully aware of this, so he sells the leg injury for the rest of the match.

The injury is fake – but the story is real!

Watching wrestling should be like reading a good book or watching a play at the theatre. You know it’s a work of fiction and constantly search for the sentence where the author reveals his true colors or when the actor steps out of the role. But there are moments when wrestling captivates us to the point where we feel we’ve stepped inside the ring and are suffering or basking in glory along with our favourite wrestler. Those moments are products of ring-psychology and no matter how smart marks we become, we will always feel that rush when the plot thickens in the ring.

In fact it doesn’t differ much from watching Dr Phil’s show where arguments always end with the good Doctor being right – Sorta like the Hulk Hogan of talk shows. Yet we tune in each week to see how Phil will tell off this troubled soul. We have to suspend our disbelief in order to enjoy the show though. Because it doesn’t really help Paul and Cathy that Dr Phil gives them tickets to a wrestling event of Paul’s choice, but Paul jobbed to Dr Phil and expectedly didn’t put up much of a fight, so the Sigmund Freud of Texas can celebrate his win by handing out prices. The difference between wrestlecrap and shrinkcrap is hardly noticeable.

View a brief recap of the Dr Phil show here!

Marky Mark on steroids: John Cena

Many people believe that after Mr. Good Vibration, Funky Bunch having Marky Mark retired from rapping he turned into Mark Wahlberg, horrible actor of Boogie Nights and Planet of the Apes infamy. Not true.

What actually happened was, after Marky Mark’s shortlived rap-career and Calvin Klein add-jobs he gassed up on a crazy amount of steroids and became a professional wrestler. No shit. At least that’s the only way I can explain the phenomenon that is John Cena. The current WWE champion looks like Marky Mark, dresses like Marky Mark, acts like Marky Mark and raps like Marky Mark. Well, actually that’s the only difference – he raps better than Marky Mark.

But before we get to that, let me describe John Cena. Cena sports a baseball cap turned backwards, a pair of jeans cut into shorts, and a giant chain with a lock in it around his neck. His followers are known as the chain-gang, who will hoot and holla as Cena works the mic by reciting 8 Mile styled battle-rhymes like “Oh and Big Show, don’t think that I forgot about you homey! He’s a giant! Well I’m a giant whistle, so go ahead and blow me” to diss his opponent. His catch-phrases include You Can’t See Me and Word Life. While most hip-hoppers will remember these terms as classic mid-90’s rap-slang along the lines of everything is everything, these terms seem to puzzle the WWE-audience. Another popular Cena line is Ruck Fules which is funny if you’re trained in the art of bakke snagvendt.

Cena started out as a heel (slang for bad guy) but turned face fairly quickly because the younger audience really enjoyed his antics. Older fans were concerned that he: dosn’t look the part of a wrestler, wearing basketball boots instead of wrestling boots, devaluates the titles he holds by turning the title-belts into blingbling-styled spinners and of course the fact that his wrestling isn’t too scientific and his FU finisher is just a variation of a boring fire-man’s carry slam. However he’s grown with the challenge and his last match at Summerslam this past weekend was fairly good.

This isn’t the first time wrestling has taken it’s cue from rap. Men On A Mission were assisted by the horrible rapper Oscar, who made MC Hammer sound like Aesop Rock and other forgettable wrestlers such as PN News have tried to use rap as a gimmick. Even veterans like Macho Man Randy Savage have cut rap-records. What makes John Cena work is that behind all the Marky Mark and Eminem gimmicks he is a certified hip-hopper.

Esoteric of 7l and Esoteric and Rebel Alliance fame remembers this about John Cena in an Artofrhyme-interview: Trademarc would bring his cousin around every now and then and he was always this diesel muthafucker, John. Then all of the sudden he was in the World Wrestling Entertainment jumpoff and Trademarc told me he was spitting my old lyrics in the ring! So naturally we hooked up and 7L produced his ring music. The shit the crowd goes wild to every Thursday night on Smackdown, that’s a 7L beat.”

This year Cena along with Trademark released a CD aptly titled “You Can’t See Me”. While out thru WWE distribution the rhymes are credible, and Cena’s not only assisted by Esoteric and Trade Mark but also Freddie Foxxx who’s diesel as hell in his own right. If you want to check a clip of Cena rhyming he’s in the “Hustler” video by veteran west coast MC Murs from Living Legends. You can even see Cena body-slamming Murs into a dumpster! Yeah!

So while you may see this as hiphop being exploited by the wrestling entertainment industry I certainly see it as a case of Marky Mark surviving the small turd otherwise known as Donnie Wahlberg’s baby-brother. Hopefully wrestling will save more rappers gone actors, so in the future we can all appreciate Mos Def dropkicking competition instead of embarrasing himself like he did in Hitchhikers Guide To The Galaxy.