Breaking news: Bart Simpson is a Scientologist!

Yeah that’s right, the radical, ‘don’t have a cow man’, ‘eye curumba’ El Barto is a member of L Ron Hubbard’s church of Scientology. This may not be news to the American readers (assuming there are any) but in oblivious little Denmark, this piece of information sure hasn’t been shared much. The deal is this, Nancy Cartwright, the voice of Bart Simpson (yes Bart is voiced by a 40-something woman, get over it) has been a member of Scientology for years. You can read an interview in which she comments on it here.

What’s kinda nuts about it, is that while The Simpsons has been Bible-bashing, Quaran-crashing and Tora-torching for ages, there have hardly been any mentions of Scientology. There was a show called “The Joy of Sect” where an L Ron Hubbard like character brainwashes America’s favorite dysfunctional family, but that’s about it. Unless you count dubious remarks like Reverend Love Joy calling the band Iron Butterfly >>I. Ron Butterfly, or Apu complaining: “Oh, who needs the infinite compassion of Genisha, when I have Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman staring at me with their dead eyes!”One of the more subtle comments could be when Lisa and Bart are trying to explain to Side Show Bob he’s merely playing second fiddle in a greater scheme:

Bart: “You were just Barlow’s lackey.”
Lisa: “You were Ronny to his Nancy!”
Bart: “Sonny to his Cher!”
Lisa: “Ringo to his rest of the Beatles!”

Ronny to his Nancy is of course a reference to former presidential couple Ronald and Nancy Reagan, but it could also be an inside joke hinting at L:Ron(ny) Hubbard and Nancy Cartwright.

In any case, even though I’m all for the freedom to pick your own religion, hobby, sexual orientation and so forth, I find it just a little eerie that the selfproclaimed “devil in a red shirt”, Bart Simpson is somehow related to Tom Cruise, John Travolta and all the other Scientologists secretly lurking whilst staring at our society…with their dead eyes!

Homer Simpson sez: “MMMMM pizza!”

Having a girlfriend rules. Having a girlfriend that buys me merchandise from The Simpsons is damn near garden of Eden. So it was only right to become overtly ecstatic at the joyous occation where I got this precious thingamagic:

The Homer Simpson pizza slicer, what an invention! When you slice the pizza Homer will say stuff like: “The most beautiful word in the English language: PIZZA!”, “When the moon hits your eye, like a big pizza-pie – that’s amore!”, “PIZZA, if it tastes good, it must be good for you” and my personal favorite “Pizza meets the requirements of the five food groups – it even counts as a pie!”

Needless to say I cooked up a salami-pizza before noon and we got down to business! Now I just have to figure out how to get these Homer Simpson slippers my friend Morten Spotgun bought himself in Florida. Lucky fugger!

Fona gives hiphoppers the A-HA experience

Now, before I go into my rant, let it be known that ever since Fona gave me a PSP and 5 games for rapping 15 minutes at a company party they’ve been AOK with me. But this simply will not stand. Sometimes, someone has to draw a line somewhere in the sand. This ain’t Nam, it ain’t even The Falklands and I’m not going to take it!

Imagine if you will, the mothers, fathers, uncles, grandparents and significant others in general out there wishing to buy presents for the hiphopper in the family. They get Fona’s ad-mag in the mail, and think, what an easy way to locate the perfect gift for the family black sheep. Naturally they look to the rap section – cheekily titled “rap julemusik”. Here we find 50 Cent, Jokeren, Outlandish, Gorillaz, LOC and… A-HA!?

That’s right, A friggin Ha of Take On Me fame are listed as rap?! Next thing you know Bent Fabric is jungle and Bing Crosby is grime?! I urge all the muthabloggers out there to go to Fona, and voice your complaint, so we can all avoid getting the A-HA Analogue album for X-mas.

To send you off on a pleasant vibe, here’s DJ Yoda’s remix of Take On Me from the How To Cut And Paste The 80’s mixtape!

Letter from Pat Patterson

So a regular day at the office aka the room we’ve put the PC in. I’m checking my mail, nothing special. But then I find I’ve gotten a letter from non other than WWF’s very first Intercontinental Champion Pat Patterson.

Pat Patterson got the IC belt in a tournament held in Rio de Janeiro (actually they didn’t have a tournament, they just told the fans back home that, so they could hand out titles.)

He wrestled some classic matches against the likes of Ted Dibiase and a cage confrontation with Sgt Slaughter. He’s probably most famous though, for being a major force behind the scenes, where he’s worked as Vince Mcmahon‘s right hand man. Well, that and the fact that he’s extremely homosexual, hits on the young wrestlers and has a had a year-long relationship with the Brooklyn Brawler. What’d ol Pat want to talk about? Well as you can tell by this copy of the mail, he’s apparently become a spammer of sorts.

Oh well, we can’t all end our careers on a high-note.

Mr. Perfect sez: “Rap Is Crap”!

evig poesi rules

Fat Joe said it best once: “Rap is like the WWF”. This might explain why I love both, and can’t wait ’til someone famous says: “Rap and wrestling are like The Simpsons”. As the loyal Hip-Hop, The Simpsons & Wrestling muthabloggers out there might have noticed, wrestlers have used rap-gimmicks for years, so it came as somewhat of a shock when Mr. Perfect aka Curt Hennig flatout stated: “Rap is crap!”

The wrestler not only said this back in 1999, but along with a crew called The West Texas Rednecks (Curt himself was from Minnesota) recorded an entire song dedicated to rap being crappy with such memorable lines as:

“I like country music / I love country girls
I like Willie Nelson / and don’t forget about Merle
There’s only one thing that I hate
Cuz it’s a bunch of crap / I, I, I hate rap!”

Now you may think that an avid rapfan such as myself would have been offended by this song, but bare in mind that wrestling’s all about gimmicks and playing the role as best as you can. Add onto that, that at the time Perfect was fueding with a wrestling fraction called The No Limit soldiers led by Master P no less, and it’s pretty obvious which side I’m on. Yihaaaah! To their credit No Limit luckfully didn’t consist of Mystikal and Mia X getting into action, but skillful Mexican wrestlers such as Konnan and Rey Mysterio, but still, feel free to hate any kind of musical express that ends in what sounds like bowel movement. UUUUGGHHH!

For those of you not familiar with Curt Hennig he’s the son of ring-legend Larry The Axe Hennig, a 350 lbs bull-sized wrestler, known for giving Rowdy Roddy Piper his first match (which lasted all of 13 seconds) and roughing up a young version of The Road Warriors when they refused to sell opponents’ offense. After learning the craft in AWA Curt Hennig traveled to the then WWF, became Mr Perfect, a character known for executing moves with perfect precession, being overtly arrogant and generally a very entertaining technical wrestler.

Even rappers recognized this, for instance I still remember a dude getting Source‘s Unsigned Hype for the line “Grinning like Curt Hennig, when I’m winning”, and aside Last Emperor he’s the only rapper I’ve wanted to check out to simply because of reading his lines. If anyone remembers who it was, please post it here.

Sadly Curt Hennig passed away in 2003 due to a cocaine overdose, an addiction he alledgedly aquired after his many injuries due to high-risk bumps taken in the ring. According to this tribute to Curt “Rap Is Crap” was played at his funeral.

Right-click, DL and listen to the golden country singer-song-writer hit “Rap Is Crap” here!

Let Me Show You Whose Ass Is The Blackest??!!!

”KRS-One specializes in music”…okay! But the last couple of years have made it painstakingly clear that the Blastmaster has an entirely different focus as well – the rear section, the buttocks, the hiney, the pleasure pillow or the good ol’ ass!! In fact so much so that lately he’s made more references to acts involving people’s behinds than he has laid claims to to be Number One (I guess ‘number two’ would be more appropriate).

Back in the Boogie Down Productions days it wasn’t like that. KRS-One would rap on his merry way about the danger of beef, self destruction, white people and wack MC’s. He may have had a little hint at what was to come on BDP’s “We In There”, but it was nowhere near full bloom. When the crew crumbled something weird happened; on each and every guest appearance Kris made, he injected dubious comments about asses. Allow me to demonstrate:

“Pick up the mic or automatic either way I won’t have it / I cover the whole gamit / Mic I’ll rap it leaving with your ass out like a faggot” Tim Dog feat. KRS-One, “I Get Wreck” (1993)

“Rewind a minute – that ass, let me get way up in it” KRS-One on Funkmaster Flex’s 60 Minute’s Of Funk Mixtape (1995)

“You can’t last, just call me enema, cause I’ll be in that / ass-teroid, heaven to merkatroid”
Chubb Rock feat. KRS-One, “The Mind” (1997)

“Don’t slip with your lip talking shit with your clip / Showing your ass as I blast into it”Poor Righteous Teachers feat. KRS-One “Conscious Style” (1997)

“Snitch ass, here’s a quick class, I’m the blast master cause I blast and whip ass” Sway & Tech feat. KRS-One “Anthem” (1999)

“I leave that ass sizzling, I’m giving more rhythm than gang-rapes in prison”DITC feat. KRS-One “Drop It Heavy” (1999)

Now these are by all means great lyrics, but it seems KRS has developed a fairly large anal fetish, and of course it had to rub off on the verses on his solo albums. Here are a few examples:

“Some people may not like KRS-One but they must respect him, cause they know the kid gets all up in they rectum” – KRS-One “MC’s Act Like They Don’t Know ” (KRS-One, 1995)

“Let me show ya whose ass is the blackest“ – KRS-One “MC’s Act Like They Don’t Know ” (KRS-One, 1995)

“Old styles I pass dat, slow down on fast rap / All in yo’ ass crack” – KRS-One “Step Into A World” (I Got Next, 1998)

Wow, conscious Kris sure gets dirty with it. All that’s well and good, we’re all allowed to have our preferences, and hey, just cause he dance the go-go, that don’t make him a homo. it’s just weird then that KRS would actually try to lash out at other people for being into a piece of ass like himself. As he said on Fat Joe’s (ironically nick-named Joey Crack) sophomore album:

“Rap magazine dating back to, Tougher than Leather / The only reason you got, such an extensive rap collection / ‘Cause most of your rap mags are all stuck together”Fat Joe feat. KRS-One “Bronx Tale” (Jealous One’s Envy, 1995)

The song is fittingly titled, I might add, since KRS from the sound of it has never passed on a Bronx Tail himself. But seeing as he’s apparently anti-masturbation, it’s a puzzle what the master actually blasts in real life?!

I guess there’s no real conclusion to this piece, other than the fact KRS may not be in favor of neither sex nor violence, but will beat up some ass quicker than you can say “PM Dawn!”.

PS: This article is in no way an attempt to bash homosexuals, it’s okay to be gay! It is, however, intended to poke fun at the fact that certain people who make anti-gay comments on a regular basis seem rather preoccupied with male asses themselves.

The Long Awaited Update! Kool Keith comes to town!

I can’t believe it’s been this long. Borat hosted the MTV Europe Awards, The Simpsons ran a full episode of Bart in 8 Mile-mode and wrestling’s just getting crazier than Ultimate Warrior by the event.

Never the less the only real update I have for y’all is that I’ve finally gotten my Kool Keith autograph back!!! Some of you may recall the autograph I got back when I was like seventeen has long since vanished along with my Dr Octagon Mo Wax original. But fret not muthabloggers cause if there’s one thing that’s for certain, it’s that when rappers run out of hits, they come running to Copenhagen.

As was the case with Keith. I was set to write a review of the concert and possibly do an interview with him. As far as the review, that went all good (read it here if you’re up on Danish), but as usual when it’s big name artists (Angermanagement Tour, Nas, KRS-One etc.) the interview for various reasons didn’t happen. Never-the-less after the concert finished I ran across the stage and saw Keith still hanging out with the blondie he caught during the “where all the lovely ladies at?”-segment of the show. He signed the Masters of Illusion album (which is now complete) posed for a picture, and even complimented my “Greatest Wrestling Stars Of The 80’s”-T-shirt. What a man, wooo!

Anyways, there’ll be more updates of the blog during the weekend, and I’m even contemplating getting a domain for it, so I can host music, film and such!

Underground Hip Hop vs. Mainstream

The Hip-Hop, The Simpsons & Wrestling blog has it’s very first guestwriter! I encountered The Pza at the Wrestlecrap-forum. He had a giant pic of KRS-One on his profile, so I figured since we share a love for Hip-hop and wrestling he might have something interesting to contribute. He sure did, and now I just wonder if he’s into The Simpsons. Here goes:

So I’m talking to a good friend yesterday about music. More specifically who the greatest MC of alltime is. I gave him my opinion and reason (FYI it was Immortal Technique) when he cuts me off, “So you meanto tell me you think some underground MC who NOONE has ever heard of is greater than Snoop Dogg?” I laughed. My laughter, however, was cut short when I noticed theserious look on his face… “Oh my God, you areserious aren’t you?” he responded, “Of course I am…Look, Snoop has sold millions of records, he is a household name, and he has his own line of clothes, that equals success and in turn that makes him the greatest MC of all time.” I was taken aback, shocked, appalled, I just couldn’t believe that someone would be so ignorant to the true meaning of hip hop.

Let’s, just for fun, examine the lyrics of Snoop and Immortal Technique.


“Cement shoes/ Now I’m on the loose/ Now your family’s cryin’ / Now your on the news/ They can’t find you/ And now they miss you/ Must I remind you/I’m only here to twist you”

Okay, so Snoop just killed some dude and he doesn’t care about the family of this person.


“This shit is run by fake Christians, fake politicians /
Look at they mansions, then look at the conditions youlive in /
All they talk about is terrorism on television /
They tell you to listen, but they don’t really tell you they mission /
They funded Al-Qaeda, and now they blame the Muslim religion /
Even though Bin Laden, was a CIA tactician /
They gave him billions of dollars, and they funded his purpose /
Fahrenheit 9/11, that’s just scratchin’ the surface”

Wow, a huge difference huh? Now I will say that Snoop is the most successful MC of all time. But that, by no means, makes him the greatest of all time… Just a little food for thought. And I’ll leave you with another ImmortalTechnique lyric to ponder:

“They say the rebels in Iraq still fight for Saddam /
But that’s bullshit, I’ll show you why it’s totally wrong /
Cuz if another country invaded the hood tonight /
It’d be warfare through Harlem, and Washington Heights /
I wouldn’t be fightin’ for Bush or White America’s dream /
I’d be fightin’ for my people’s survival andself-esteem /
I wouldn’t fight for racist churches from the south,my nigga /
I’d be fightin’ to keep the occupation out, my nigga /
You ever clock someone who talk shit, or look at you wrong?
Imagine if they shot at you, and was rapin’ your moms /
And of course Saddam Hussein had chemical weapons /
We sold him that shit, after Ronald Reagan’s election”

credit: The Pza, I LOVE JINNY PARK Ghosts are REAL… Deal with it!
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Dr. Phil lacks ring-psychology

Cathy has dragged her husband Paul on the Dr. Phil show. She believes wrestling is consuming his life to the point where the obsession is hurting their marriage. Dr. Phil, displaying the tricks of the trade that made him the richest psychologist ever, addresses Paul and asks the million dollar question: “Do you know it’s not real???”

You sure got him there Phil! Paul makes up some foggy answer about parts being fake, which leads the Doctor to reveal the best kept secret of professional wrestling: “It’s just men dancing!” Dr. Phil does give brief credit to the wrestlers for being great stuntmen, but not soon after he taunts Paul again for “watching men dancing”, which in Dr. Phil’s world must equal the ultimate homoerotic act. Needless to say Paul hardly seems cured from his addiction by Dr. Phil’s revelations, but he does get tickets to a wrestling event of his choice, which pleases him, so the show ends on a high-note. However, the segment left me wondering something that in time led to me writing this column; What in the name of Superfly Jimmy Snuka does Dr. Phil think people watch professional wrestling for?

To use Dr. Phil’s dancing analogy, wrestling is men pretending to live out a battle through well-choreographed moves for artistic purposes + both wrestlers and dancers wear tights – case closed! You can’t argue that this isn’t part of professional wrestling, but it’s also a spot-on description of break-dancing. While Booker T does have a mean backspin, there is certainly more to it than that.

Paul tries desperately to give Dr. Phil a sound reason for being addicted to watching grown men playfight: He mutters that he enjoys the plot. Dr. Phil finds the mere thought of watching wrestling for the plot ridiculous. This is semi-ironic seeing as American psychologists such as Jerome Bruner advocate the idea that the human psyche organizes everything in connected stories and plots – we constantly strive to adjust our impressions so that they make sense in reasonable stories.

In wrestling we like to call those stories ring-psychology. When they make sense to us fans, even if they’re surprising, we’re watching good wrestling. When the stories are incoherent, the wrestling is bad – or to use RD Reynolds’ perfectly coined phrase: wrestlecrap.

In “New York – The Rough Guide” the author advices tourists that they should attend a wrestling event and then explains what that includes: the audience seeing the national anthem followed by a ‘real American’ kicking some foreign grabler’s butt. That’s one way of making the story coherent and relevant to the fan – but of course there are tons of others.

Stories vary in size of course. They can be as small as a wrestler constantly putting his opponents right arm under pressure – hitting it and putting it in arm locks until the adversary is worn down and ready to be subjected to a spectacular finishing move. Watching Chris Benoit beat Orlando Jones in 7 seconds isn’t really the same as him winning after a 30-minute display of scientific excellence is it? I’m pretty sure it felt like premature ejaculation to most of the viewing audience.

They can also be far bigger like Macho Man Randy Savage and Ric Flair battling over who was the true love of the late Miss Elizabeth. Even in such showdowns the story is heightened greatly when the match finally does take place – the whole building is cheering for The Macho Man and suddenly he gets a nasty leg injury instantly putting him in the role of underdog. Savage is fully aware of this, so he sells the leg injury for the rest of the match.

The injury is fake – but the story is real!

Watching wrestling should be like reading a good book or watching a play at the theatre. You know it’s a work of fiction and constantly search for the sentence where the author reveals his true colors or when the actor steps out of the role. But there are moments when wrestling captivates us to the point where we feel we’ve stepped inside the ring and are suffering or basking in glory along with our favourite wrestler. Those moments are products of ring-psychology and no matter how smart marks we become, we will always feel that rush when the plot thickens in the ring.

In fact it doesn’t differ much from watching Dr Phil’s show where arguments always end with the good Doctor being right – Sorta like the Hulk Hogan of talk shows. Yet we tune in each week to see how Phil will tell off this troubled soul. We have to suspend our disbelief in order to enjoy the show though. Because it doesn’t really help Paul and Cathy that Dr Phil gives them tickets to a wrestling event of Paul’s choice, but Paul jobbed to Dr Phil and expectedly didn’t put up much of a fight, so the Sigmund Freud of Texas can celebrate his win by handing out prices. The difference between wrestlecrap and shrinkcrap is hardly noticeable.

View a brief recap of the Dr Phil show here!

P-Ditte unsurprisingly ruins the VMA’s – here’s the whole 9

Seeing as I’ve been watching the VMA’s ever since we got a satelite-dish back when I was in 4th grade, it’s been somewhat of a tradition to stay up late Sunday, skip school Monday and check out the live broadcast, which back in the day included cursewords and all that good stuff. Usually there’d be great hosts such as Eddie Murphy and Arsenio Hall who kept the show flowing. In later years Chris Rock and Jimmy Fallon have added some great comedic introductions to the show. So once again I’m staying up late, to see who’s hosting and it’s

Diddy does have alotta personality I guess, but he’s not funny and he seems to be constantly self-conscious. His hosting of the MTV Europe Awards were only rivaled in suckyness by Wyclef – the only man capable of being bald and having dreadlocks at the same time.

Anyways I knew I was in for a stinker, so I decided I’d take out the laptop to document the action for my long time loyal fans of the Hip-Hop, The Simpsons and Wrestling blog…so after watching The Last Samurai and whatever else crud I could come up with 02:00 rolls around and here comes – da-dadada: The VMA’s!

Here are some recaps of the actions written in real time. (as opposed to fake time?)

02:00Green Day set it off outside the VMA’s in Florida. The wind is blowing like a motherblogger, good thing they ain’t have the awards in New Orleans. My fave Green Day VMA moment was when they had to run off the stage ’cause Beastie Boys came in early and turned it out with Sabotage. Yeah!

02:10 – Diddy enters to recite some cornyness. Actually it’s a good introduction. He stole it from Run-DMC’s Live At The Fun House. RIP JMJ!02:15 – Kanye gets the award for Best Male video. Mr. Cocky manages to diss Jay-Z. Smart move KaYne! When they cut to commercials Danish MTV decides to show parts of music videos. I guess even Yamba’s stupidass Axel F frog didn’t think anyone’d stay up to watch commercials this late. Joke’s on them jack, I got enough diet coke to last all night!

02:15 – gets the award for Best Male video. Mr. Cocky manages to diss . When they cut to commercials Danish MTV decides to show parts of music videos. I guess even Yamba’s stupidass Axel F frog didn’t think anyone’d stay up to watch commercials this late. Joke’s on them jack, I got enough diet coke to last all night!02:20Ludacris performs Pimping All Over The World. I guess it’s the sequal to Hoe’ing around the neighborhood.

02:30 – Diddy just announced it’s a classy show so he wont curse. Sissy. Then he curses some but’s it’s been bleeped out (you can tell it’s just ’fuck’ and ’shit’ and other nonoffensive cursing though). Stupid five second delay – I bet they’ll scramble the nudity as well. Afterwards he announces that he’s sellected the three best dressed men – how gay is that. To noone’s surprise they’re all black. I woulda gone with Willie Nelson – cowboy hat and braided pig-tails, you the man Willie!

02:39Grandmaster Flash has apparently been hired as DJ for the affair. I bet he’ll be hired as Diddy’s caddy sometime soon. Flash makes Diddy dance to Atomic Dog.

02:42Uncle Luke – aka Luther Campbell aka Captain Dick of 2 Live Crew – comes out real quick. Since all his songs contain the same amount of profanity as the average South Park episode he’s limited to just chanting ’Go diddy!’…Now MC Hammer’s out here. He does a fucked up version of Can’t Touch This. No big-ass pants though. Nuts. Noone enjoys it other than Jamie Foxx – maybe he really did go blind while filming Ray. People yell about hammer time, how ’bout goddamn quitting time!

02:46Alicia Keys predictably wins best R&B video. She’s wearing a dress displaying her lack of fun-bags.

02:49Shaq comes out, to the delight of the Miami fans. He’s wearing a bigger suit than TrooLS & Orgi-E. They shoulda had him doing free-throws. You got 99 freethrows and didn’t make one, holla!

02:54 Shakira does her hit Torturaay ay ay, hija de puta, no me gusta.

03:00 Leroy from Fame…sorry I mean Usher introduces Clowning Vs. Krumping – a crunk version of clowns breakdancing. To me it looks like a slightly more acrobatic version of Insane Clown Posse.

03:05Missy Elliot wins best dance for Lose Control. She almost looks skinnier than her current girlfriend Ciara. Remember when Marilyn Manson had his ass out at VMA’s a couple years back and Missy looked at him like he was the devil himself? 668 the neighbor of the beast!

03:08R Kelly performs trapped in the closet. Uh huh, water closet, Mr. Pisserino. He doesn’t even have a mic – at least the other’s pretend they’re not singing playback. Its been ages since we saw Diddy, maybe him and Hammer are trapped in a closet.

03:20 – Diddy tells us the story of his names. He jokes about changing it to Sean-ye West and Condeleeza Diddy and other nonfunnyness. I hope he changes it to P-Ditte real soon.

03:26Lil Kim presents an award. Her co-presenter jokes about her jail-time coming up. Nowhere near as funny as when Diana Ross jiggled her titty. Kim claims ”She’s suffered enough.” No applause.

03:29 – Ludacris wins best rap video for Number One Spot. Wackass song by a dopeass rapper, so I’m cool. I love gooold.

03:37 – Diddy is making shoutouts to people in the house. Which means all the black celebrities. He’s wearing a Notorious BIG shirt and bigs up big’s mother. Guess he’ll never rest in peace.

Now Ditte is acting like he’s conducting a symphony orchestra while Big’s ”Juicy/Dreams”-verse is playing. Ironically I don’t think Big ever performed at VMA’s. If you don’t know now you know.
Snoop is on stage doing an incredible verse on Warning. Diddy’s still acting like he’s conducting but in reality he’s just wandering around looking dumber than Jim Carey and his co-star. Jøden woulda done a better job.

03:43Johnny Knoxville and Common present an award and Knoxville gets Common to freestyle. Com Sense is a great freestyler but he seems kinda slow tonight. The finish ”when my video drops I soon plan / next year I’ll be walking with a moon-man”. Probably premeditated but fun nonetheless. He also made a reference to 50 Cent, who looked hella mad at being mentioned.

03:46 – A group named Fall Out Boy won an award. I wonder if they’re named after Radiative Man from the Simpsons’ sidekick Fall Out Boy, who Millhouse gets to portray in the movie version.

Argh the goggles – they do nooothing!

03:52 Fat Joe introduces Reggae-ton music. He brings together three reggae-tonelos who have never performed together. Reggae-tonelo is a funny-ass word! One of the reggae-tonelos (let’s see how many times I get to write that) looks like a mix between Sammy Davis Junior and Humpty Hump. Daddy Yankee does Gasolina and has all of Miami screaming ”culo”. As all reggaetonelos would know it means “ass” in Taco Bellish.

3:56 – Best Hip-Hop Award is presented. MTV thinks hip-hop is rap fused with new or alternative genres. That’s kinda lame but the nominees (Common, Nas etc) are better than for the Rap Video Award. Missy wins.

3:57 – Fat Joe thanks G-Unit for all the police protection at the award show. (They’re beefing if you didn’t know) Chances of MTV asking the fat man back to present – slim.

3:58 – Diddy says something nonsensial. Meanwhile someone in the audience screams Fuck you fat motherfucker at Fat Joe. Knew it was a good idea to stay up late.

04:00Pharell introduces Cold Play. Pharell is wearing a plastic chain with kids pictured on it. Rumour has it R Kelly tried to piss on the chain. I’m hoping they’ll bring back the weird-looking reggaetonelo.

04:09 Ricky Martin and Joss Stone present an award. Ricky asked Miami if they could feel The Heat. I hear this is concidered a display of great wit in washed up latino lover circles.

04:14 – Kanye West and Jamie Fox perform Gold Digger, the weakest track leaked from Late Registration so far. Remember EPMD’s version? Word. Lots of people are throwing the Roc handsign in the air. Kanye’s rapping pretty good, and he’s wearing the same sun-glasses Jay-Z wore last year – perhaps as a sign of apology for bitching ’bout Jay not paying for his three videos for one song.

04:17 – Kanye just said the ”leave your ass for a white girl”-line that was banned from Canadian radio. He coulda just said culo and puta blanca – that’s the reggaetonelo way of doing it! Money’s flying from the sky – I’m sure that’ll teach the girls to stop digging.

04:24 – Snoop Dogg introduces a comedian called Dave Cook. Apparently they dragged him out ’cause Diddy refuses to tell jokes to whitey. Fight the power!

04:29 – Diddy introduces real-life pimp Bishop Magic Juan. The normally weird-ass dressed pimp has had a Diddy make-over. Noone finds it funny, most likely ’cause noone knows who the don Bishop is.

04:32 – The young husband-cheating Desperate House Wife introduces Mariah Carey wearing a diminutive bathing suit. I bet the conversation between the two afterwards will go:

Mariah Carey: ”BITCH! Outstage me will you? I’m the only diva allowed to wear skimpy outfits!”

Desperate House Wife: ”Whatever Glitter, the coo-coo’s nest called, they wanted to know when you’ll fly back”

Styles and Jadakiss are rocking on the Mariah remix. This is fairly ironic since all Mariah’s dancers are dressed like 50 Cent in the Little Bit video. Dramaqueen or not, Mariah’s singing her ass off on an otherwise boring song.

04:45Lil Jon is presenting with some hot girl. He tries to hug her, but she quickly shoves his hand away. WHAT? YEAH! OKAAAAI!

04:48Will.I.Am and Fergie are on stage, Will tells a joke, and Fergie thinks it’s so funny she almost wets herself…not really.

04:50 – 50 Cent comes out to Disco Inferno. He’s either wearing really shiny black jeans or leather pants – how very Tyrol of him. Mobb Deep are out on stage, mad anonymous. Tony Yayo runs out, cursing his ass off, so we can’t hear anything he’s saying. Free Yayo. 50 and Yayo end their performance by saying Fuck Terror Squad and various threats totally bleeped out. Rappers should really think about not cursing when they want to diss their rivals on world-wide TV, so everyone can enjoy it.

05:02Lil Bow Wow and Paris Hilton are comparing diamonds. Lets hope they’re not from Sierra Leone.

05:04Green Day win the viewers choice award for American Idiot – the only song with a credible message this year. I guess the viewers aren’t necessarily into the Hammertime 2005 vibe P-ditte’s oozing.

05:11 – Jamie Fox starts his presentation of the presenters of video of the year by screaming ”Hi everybody”. The audience yells ”Hi doctor Nick!” in return (The first part happened). The presenters Destiny’s Child thank god, for giving them the jams to rock hard, before Green Day also take home best video for Boulevard of broken dreams. Green Day manage to be the only band adressing issues like the war in Iraq, live aid and so forth.

05:17 – Diddy’s wearing a ”God is the greatest” t-shirt now. Apparently his thank you speech is delivered by shirts this year. He introduces Kelly Clarkson who despite being a slightly more tolerable version of Avril Lavigne manages to rock pretty hard.

05:22 – Diddy finally says good bye, ending a show that was at least half an hour too long and didn’t have any kind of spectacular end-performance.

That’s the 2005 MTV Awards. The night was dominated by rap and r&b and regular music like Audio Slave and Foo Fighters seem totally left out. I’m as big a hiphop fan as anyone, but if I wanted to see rappers dissing rappers I’d order Source awards. They’d even shoved Green Day outside, what a jib. I’ll give credit to the reggae-tonelos and Mariah Carey, but other than that I think the VMA’s this year showed us how the entertainment industry has used bling bling rap as an excuse to present music without message.

Diddy was of course not only embarrasing on the mic, but also presented a show largely without humour, instead having presenters present other presenters in a never ending stream of babble. The elaborate stage-shows from previous years was replaced by a small revolving stage like the one from Les Miserables. Speaking of which all the performances aside from a few good verses by K West and Snoop were large miserable and forgettable.

Remember when Nirvana performed and Kris Novoselic hit himself in the head with his bass-guitar? Yeah. This show was nothing like that.