Kategoriarkiv: observations

Letter from Pat Patterson

So a regular day at the office aka the room we’ve put the PC in. I’m checking my mail, nothing special. But then I find I’ve gotten a letter from non other than WWF’s very first Intercontinental Champion Pat Patterson.

Pat Patterson got the IC belt in a tournament held in Rio de Janeiro (actually they didn’t have a tournament, they just told the fans back home that, so they could hand out titles.)

He wrestled some classic matches against the likes of Ted Dibiase and a cage confrontation with Sgt Slaughter. He’s probably most famous though, for being a major force behind the scenes, where he’s worked as Vince Mcmahon‘s right hand man. Well, that and the fact that he’s extremely homosexual, hits on the young wrestlers and has a had a year-long relationship with the Brooklyn Brawler. What’d ol Pat want to talk about? Well as you can tell by this copy of the mail, he’s apparently become a spammer of sorts.

Oh well, we can’t all end our careers on a high-note.

Mr. Perfect sez: “Rap Is Crap”!

evig poesi rules

Fat Joe said it best once: “Rap is like the WWF”. This might explain why I love both, and can’t wait ’til someone famous says: “Rap and wrestling are like The Simpsons”. As the loyal Hip-Hop, The Simpsons & Wrestling muthabloggers out there might have noticed, wrestlers have used rap-gimmicks for years, so it came as somewhat of a shock when Mr. Perfect aka Curt Hennig flatout stated: “Rap is crap!”

The wrestler not only said this back in 1999, but along with a crew called The West Texas Rednecks (Curt himself was from Minnesota) recorded an entire song dedicated to rap being crappy with such memorable lines as:

“I like country music / I love country girls
I like Willie Nelson / and don’t forget about Merle
There’s only one thing that I hate
Cuz it’s a bunch of crap / I, I, I hate rap!”

Now you may think that an avid rapfan such as myself would have been offended by this song, but bare in mind that wrestling’s all about gimmicks and playing the role as best as you can. Add onto that, that at the time Perfect was fueding with a wrestling fraction called The No Limit soldiers led by Master P no less, and it’s pretty obvious which side I’m on. Yihaaaah! To their credit No Limit luckfully didn’t consist of Mystikal and Mia X getting into action, but skillful Mexican wrestlers such as Konnan and Rey Mysterio, but still, feel free to hate any kind of musical express that ends in what sounds like bowel movement. UUUUGGHHH!

For those of you not familiar with Curt Hennig he’s the son of ring-legend Larry The Axe Hennig, a 350 lbs bull-sized wrestler, known for giving Rowdy Roddy Piper his first match (which lasted all of 13 seconds) and roughing up a young version of The Road Warriors when they refused to sell opponents’ offense. After learning the craft in AWA Curt Hennig traveled to the then WWF, became Mr Perfect, a character known for executing moves with perfect precession, being overtly arrogant and generally a very entertaining technical wrestler.

Even rappers recognized this, for instance I still remember a dude getting Source‘s Unsigned Hype for the line “Grinning like Curt Hennig, when I’m winning”, and aside Last Emperor he’s the only rapper I’ve wanted to check out to simply because of reading his lines. If anyone remembers who it was, please post it here.

Sadly Curt Hennig passed away in 2003 due to a cocaine overdose, an addiction he alledgedly aquired after his many injuries due to high-risk bumps taken in the ring. According to this tribute to Curt “Rap Is Crap” was played at his funeral.

Right-click, DL and listen to the golden country singer-song-writer hit “Rap Is Crap” here!

Let Me Show You Whose Ass Is The Blackest??!!!

”KRS-One specializes in music”…okay! But the last couple of years have made it painstakingly clear that the Blastmaster has an entirely different focus as well – the rear section, the buttocks, the hiney, the pleasure pillow or the good ol’ ass!! In fact so much so that lately he’s made more references to acts involving people’s behinds than he has laid claims to to be Number One (I guess ‘number two’ would be more appropriate).

Back in the Boogie Down Productions days it wasn’t like that. KRS-One would rap on his merry way about the danger of beef, self destruction, white people and wack MC’s. He may have had a little hint at what was to come on BDP’s “We In There”, but it was nowhere near full bloom. When the crew crumbled something weird happened; on each and every guest appearance Kris made, he injected dubious comments about asses. Allow me to demonstrate:

“Pick up the mic or automatic either way I won’t have it / I cover the whole gamit / Mic I’ll rap it leaving with your ass out like a faggot” Tim Dog feat. KRS-One, “I Get Wreck” (1993)

“Rewind a minute – that ass, let me get way up in it” KRS-One on Funkmaster Flex’s 60 Minute’s Of Funk Mixtape (1995)

“You can’t last, just call me enema, cause I’ll be in that / ass-teroid, heaven to merkatroid”
Chubb Rock feat. KRS-One, “The Mind” (1997)

“Don’t slip with your lip talking shit with your clip / Showing your ass as I blast into it”Poor Righteous Teachers feat. KRS-One “Conscious Style” (1997)

“Snitch ass, here’s a quick class, I’m the blast master cause I blast and whip ass” Sway & Tech feat. KRS-One “Anthem” (1999)

“I leave that ass sizzling, I’m giving more rhythm than gang-rapes in prison”DITC feat. KRS-One “Drop It Heavy” (1999)

Now these are by all means great lyrics, but it seems KRS has developed a fairly large anal fetish, and of course it had to rub off on the verses on his solo albums. Here are a few examples:

“Some people may not like KRS-One but they must respect him, cause they know the kid gets all up in they rectum” – KRS-One “MC’s Act Like They Don’t Know ” (KRS-One, 1995)

“Let me show ya whose ass is the blackest“ – KRS-One “MC’s Act Like They Don’t Know ” (KRS-One, 1995)

“Old styles I pass dat, slow down on fast rap / All in yo’ ass crack” – KRS-One “Step Into A World” (I Got Next, 1998)

Wow, conscious Kris sure gets dirty with it. All that’s well and good, we’re all allowed to have our preferences, and hey, just cause he dance the go-go, that don’t make him a homo. it’s just weird then that KRS would actually try to lash out at other people for being into a piece of ass like himself. As he said on Fat Joe’s (ironically nick-named Joey Crack) sophomore album:

“Rap magazine dating back to, Tougher than Leather / The only reason you got, such an extensive rap collection / ‘Cause most of your rap mags are all stuck together”Fat Joe feat. KRS-One “Bronx Tale” (Jealous One’s Envy, 1995)

The song is fittingly titled, I might add, since KRS from the sound of it has never passed on a Bronx Tail himself. But seeing as he’s apparently anti-masturbation, it’s a puzzle what the master actually blasts in real life?!

I guess there’s no real conclusion to this piece, other than the fact KRS may not be in favor of neither sex nor violence, but will beat up some ass quicker than you can say “PM Dawn!”.

PS: This article is in no way an attempt to bash homosexuals, it’s okay to be gay! It is, however, intended to poke fun at the fact that certain people who make anti-gay comments on a regular basis seem rather preoccupied with male asses themselves.

The Long Awaited Update! Kool Keith comes to town!

I can’t believe it’s been this long. Borat hosted the MTV Europe Awards, The Simpsons ran a full episode of Bart in 8 Mile-mode and wrestling’s just getting crazier than Ultimate Warrior by the event.

Never the less the only real update I have for y’all is that I’ve finally gotten my Kool Keith autograph back!!! Some of you may recall the autograph I got back when I was like seventeen has long since vanished along with my Dr Octagon Mo Wax original. But fret not muthabloggers cause if there’s one thing that’s for certain, it’s that when rappers run out of hits, they come running to Copenhagen.

As was the case with Keith. I was set to write a review of the concert and possibly do an interview with him. As far as the review, that went all good (read it here if you’re up on Danish), but as usual when it’s big name artists (Angermanagement Tour, Nas, KRS-One etc.) the interview for various reasons didn’t happen. Never-the-less after the concert finished I ran across the stage and saw Keith still hanging out with the blondie he caught during the “where all the lovely ladies at?”-segment of the show. He signed the Masters of Illusion album (which is now complete) posed for a picture, and even complimented my “Greatest Wrestling Stars Of The 80’s”-T-shirt. What a man, wooo!

Anyways, there’ll be more updates of the blog during the weekend, and I’m even contemplating getting a domain for it, so I can host music, film and such!

Dr. Phil lacks ring-psychology

Cathy has dragged her husband Paul on the Dr. Phil show. She believes wrestling is consuming his life to the point where the obsession is hurting their marriage. Dr. Phil, displaying the tricks of the trade that made him the richest psychologist ever, addresses Paul and asks the million dollar question: “Do you know it’s not real???”

You sure got him there Phil! Paul makes up some foggy answer about parts being fake, which leads the Doctor to reveal the best kept secret of professional wrestling: “It’s just men dancing!” Dr. Phil does give brief credit to the wrestlers for being great stuntmen, but not soon after he taunts Paul again for “watching men dancing”, which in Dr. Phil’s world must equal the ultimate homoerotic act. Needless to say Paul hardly seems cured from his addiction by Dr. Phil’s revelations, but he does get tickets to a wrestling event of his choice, which pleases him, so the show ends on a high-note. However, the segment left me wondering something that in time led to me writing this column; What in the name of Superfly Jimmy Snuka does Dr. Phil think people watch professional wrestling for?

To use Dr. Phil’s dancing analogy, wrestling is men pretending to live out a battle through well-choreographed moves for artistic purposes + both wrestlers and dancers wear tights – case closed! You can’t argue that this isn’t part of professional wrestling, but it’s also a spot-on description of break-dancing. While Booker T does have a mean backspin, there is certainly more to it than that.

Paul tries desperately to give Dr. Phil a sound reason for being addicted to watching grown men playfight: He mutters that he enjoys the plot. Dr. Phil finds the mere thought of watching wrestling for the plot ridiculous. This is semi-ironic seeing as American psychologists such as Jerome Bruner advocate the idea that the human psyche organizes everything in connected stories and plots – we constantly strive to adjust our impressions so that they make sense in reasonable stories.

In wrestling we like to call those stories ring-psychology. When they make sense to us fans, even if they’re surprising, we’re watching good wrestling. When the stories are incoherent, the wrestling is bad – or to use RD Reynolds’ perfectly coined phrase: wrestlecrap.

In “New York – The Rough Guide” the author advices tourists that they should attend a wrestling event and then explains what that includes: the audience seeing the national anthem followed by a ‘real American’ kicking some foreign grabler’s butt. That’s one way of making the story coherent and relevant to the fan – but of course there are tons of others.

Stories vary in size of course. They can be as small as a wrestler constantly putting his opponents right arm under pressure – hitting it and putting it in arm locks until the adversary is worn down and ready to be subjected to a spectacular finishing move. Watching Chris Benoit beat Orlando Jones in 7 seconds isn’t really the same as him winning after a 30-minute display of scientific excellence is it? I’m pretty sure it felt like premature ejaculation to most of the viewing audience.

They can also be far bigger like Macho Man Randy Savage and Ric Flair battling over who was the true love of the late Miss Elizabeth. Even in such showdowns the story is heightened greatly when the match finally does take place – the whole building is cheering for The Macho Man and suddenly he gets a nasty leg injury instantly putting him in the role of underdog. Savage is fully aware of this, so he sells the leg injury for the rest of the match.

The injury is fake – but the story is real!

Watching wrestling should be like reading a good book or watching a play at the theatre. You know it’s a work of fiction and constantly search for the sentence where the author reveals his true colors or when the actor steps out of the role. But there are moments when wrestling captivates us to the point where we feel we’ve stepped inside the ring and are suffering or basking in glory along with our favourite wrestler. Those moments are products of ring-psychology and no matter how smart marks we become, we will always feel that rush when the plot thickens in the ring.

In fact it doesn’t differ much from watching Dr Phil’s show where arguments always end with the good Doctor being right – Sorta like the Hulk Hogan of talk shows. Yet we tune in each week to see how Phil will tell off this troubled soul. We have to suspend our disbelief in order to enjoy the show though. Because it doesn’t really help Paul and Cathy that Dr Phil gives them tickets to a wrestling event of Paul’s choice, but Paul jobbed to Dr Phil and expectedly didn’t put up much of a fight, so the Sigmund Freud of Texas can celebrate his win by handing out prices. The difference between wrestlecrap and shrinkcrap is hardly noticeable.

View a brief recap of the Dr Phil show here!

Marky Mark on steroids: John Cena

Many people believe that after Mr. Good Vibration, Funky Bunch having Marky Mark retired from rapping he turned into Mark Wahlberg, horrible actor of Boogie Nights and Planet of the Apes infamy. Not true.

What actually happened was, after Marky Mark’s shortlived rap-career and Calvin Klein add-jobs he gassed up on a crazy amount of steroids and became a professional wrestler. No shit. At least that’s the only way I can explain the phenomenon that is John Cena. The current WWE champion looks like Marky Mark, dresses like Marky Mark, acts like Marky Mark and raps like Marky Mark. Well, actually that’s the only difference – he raps better than Marky Mark.

But before we get to that, let me describe John Cena. Cena sports a baseball cap turned backwards, a pair of jeans cut into shorts, and a giant chain with a lock in it around his neck. His followers are known as the chain-gang, who will hoot and holla as Cena works the mic by reciting 8 Mile styled battle-rhymes like “Oh and Big Show, don’t think that I forgot about you homey! He’s a giant! Well I’m a giant whistle, so go ahead and blow me” to diss his opponent. His catch-phrases include You Can’t See Me and Word Life. While most hip-hoppers will remember these terms as classic mid-90’s rap-slang along the lines of everything is everything, these terms seem to puzzle the WWE-audience. Another popular Cena line is Ruck Fules which is funny if you’re trained in the art of bakke snagvendt.

Cena started out as a heel (slang for bad guy) but turned face fairly quickly because the younger audience really enjoyed his antics. Older fans were concerned that he: dosn’t look the part of a wrestler, wearing basketball boots instead of wrestling boots, devaluates the titles he holds by turning the title-belts into blingbling-styled spinners and of course the fact that his wrestling isn’t too scientific and his FU finisher is just a variation of a boring fire-man’s carry slam. However he’s grown with the challenge and his last match at Summerslam this past weekend was fairly good.

This isn’t the first time wrestling has taken it’s cue from rap. Men On A Mission were assisted by the horrible rapper Oscar, who made MC Hammer sound like Aesop Rock and other forgettable wrestlers such as PN News have tried to use rap as a gimmick. Even veterans like Macho Man Randy Savage have cut rap-records. What makes John Cena work is that behind all the Marky Mark and Eminem gimmicks he is a certified hip-hopper.

Esoteric of 7l and Esoteric and Rebel Alliance fame remembers this about John Cena in an Artofrhyme-interview: Trademarc would bring his cousin around every now and then and he was always this diesel muthafucker, John. Then all of the sudden he was in the World Wrestling Entertainment jumpoff and Trademarc told me he was spitting my old lyrics in the ring! So naturally we hooked up and 7L produced his ring music. The shit the crowd goes wild to every Thursday night on Smackdown, that’s a 7L beat.”

This year Cena along with Trademark released a CD aptly titled “You Can’t See Me”. While out thru WWE distribution the rhymes are credible, and Cena’s not only assisted by Esoteric and Trade Mark but also Freddie Foxxx who’s diesel as hell in his own right. If you want to check a clip of Cena rhyming he’s in the “Hustler” video by veteran west coast MC Murs from Living Legends. You can even see Cena body-slamming Murs into a dumpster! Yeah!

So while you may see this as hiphop being exploited by the wrestling entertainment industry I certainly see it as a case of Marky Mark surviving the small turd otherwise known as Donnie Wahlberg‘s baby-brother. Hopefully wrestling will save more rappers gone actors, so in the future we can all appreciate Mos Def dropkicking competition instead of embarrasing himself like he did in Hitchhikers Guide To The Galaxy.

Who is the Greater Aviator? Leonardo Dicaprio Vs. Mr Burns

Everybody was hyping the Aviator – a story about excentric millionaire moviemaker and aircraft-builder Howard Hughes – like crazy around my way. Needless to say I had my doubts as Leonardo had singlehandedly ruined Gangs Of New York although Daniel Day Lewis pulled one of the greatest villain performances ever out of his ass. I sorta enjoyed The Aviator though, but I quickly realised I had seen the whole thing before – better! Where you might ask, could you catch a better Aviator than Leo’s academy award nominated portrayal? Whereelse dummy, The Simpsons.

In the episode called $pringfield Mr. Burns mimics the role Howard Hughes to perfection and within a few minutes does everything that took Leonardo hours to show us. Here are some similarities:

* Burns and Leo portray businessmen venturing into new fields. Leo gets involved with the airplane- and movie industry, whereas Burns becomes a casinoowner. At first they both excell in their field of choice but slowly things worsen.

* They both become obsessed with germs to the point where it overtakes their intire lives.

* They start living in seclussion. Leo hides away in his home-cinema, and Burns stays in his monitor-room. Their personal hygine leaves much to be expected as well. Oh, and they both start storing their urine in bottles – freshfest!

* Both men have a pet-aviation project that seems insane to the common man. Leo wants to build a giant aircraft out of wood called the Sprouse Goose. Burns wants to build a miniature aircraft out of wood called the Sprouse Moose.

In the end there hardly seems to be any doubt that Mr. Burns is a far superior interpreter of Howard Hughes’ life, with only one flaw. Howard Hughes was such a racist that upon learning black people had used the seats of his personal cinema he never returned to it again. Burns of course employs Carl Carlson thus showing no obvious signs of bigotry.

Burns even speaks German in several episodes. Anyone who speaks German can’t be bad.